He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
