she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
