Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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