Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
