foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
