I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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