All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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