just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
