hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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