make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
