9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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