i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
