I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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