My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
