I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
