I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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