When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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