I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
