my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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