I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
