i think my mom watched the whole time
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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