We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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