I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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