I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
