I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
