he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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