I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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