I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
