have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
