I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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