tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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