you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
