I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
