tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How naked do you want me to be?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
