I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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