apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
