Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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