got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
