Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
