woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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