There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
