Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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