apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
