have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
