Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
