We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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