the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
