he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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