What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The air was thick with penises
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
