note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
