God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
