The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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