He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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