pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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